The Real Reason Women Lose Themselves in Relationships

The Real Reason Women Lose Themselves in Relationships

INTRODUCTION

I open by flagging that this topic can feel like victim blaming and explain that I have been careful to organize my thoughts. Coach Jen and I introduce the conversation: the guilt patterns that make women act like they are a burden in their relationships and stop taking care of themselves. Jen notes she has experience from every angle - as a single mom, as a step parent, and as a therapist - and we agree all sides will be covered.

THE UNSPOKEN BELIEFS WOMEN CARRY

I break down the beliefs I see repeatedly with the women I work with: I come with baggage, my situation makes this harder for him, he is choosing something complicated by choosing me. This is not about wishing things were different - it is about a woman who has internalized the idea that she should not have been chosen. Jen adds the layer of role confusion that compounds everything: am I a mom first, a partner first, and where do I even fit in my own list?

JEN'S PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Jen shares what it was like navigating new relationships as a single mom with young children - shielding her kids from getting too attached, splitting her attention, and always feeling caught between who needed her more. I point out that in all of that back and forth, she never once asked who was choosing herself. That is the layer that disappears entirely.

HOW IT SHOWS UP DAY TO DAY

I list the patterns I see across the board: over giving to the relationship out of guilt, self-care falling away, avoiding asking for what they need, going along with things that do not serve them, and refusing to invest time, money, or energy in themselves. Jen's independent notes match almost word for word: over accommodating the partner, over protecting the child, avoiding conflict, silencing personal needs.

THE CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE

I share my own experience as the child in this dynamic. My mother remarried and operated from guilt - tolerating things she should not have, making choices that left me feeling like the problem, never saying it out loud but showing it in a hundred small ways. I now see those same behaviors in the women I work with every day. Jen connects this to research on children in disrupted homes and explains how a mother who treats self-care as something to be earned rather than a necessity passes that belief directly to her children.

THE HAMSTER WHEEL

Jen and I walk through the full cycle: guilt leads to self-neglect, self-neglect leads to resentment, resentment erodes confidence, eroded confidence amplifies the original feeling of unworthiness, attraction shifts, the relationship strains, and the children absorb all of it. Jen describes it as a hamster wheel of messiness that eventually pulls everyone in - and then the woman takes the blame for that too.

GOING INTO THE DATING WORLD

Jen offers practical advice for women re-entering dating with children. Be upfront from the beginning. Know your parenting style before you bring someone new into the picture. Jen warns strongly against building a relationship in a vacuum where children are hidden or kept completely separate - because you end up falling in love with someone who has never seen your real life, and introducing that reality later creates a completely different dynamic than the one you built.

LYING BY OMISSION

We address the specific pattern of women hiding or downplaying having children early in dating out of guilt or fear of scaring someone off. Jen calls it lying by omission and explains it sets a damaging precedent from day one. I add that if someone would disappear the moment they found out you had kids, that tells you exactly how they would treat those kids. The guilt driving the omission is the same guilt driving everything else in this episode.

ALREADY IN THE RELATIONSHIP

For women already in a relationship or marriage who recognize these patterns, Jen recommends starting with self-awareness before anything else. Write it down - the guilt, the resentment, the unmet needs. Pen to paper creates a clarity that being constantly busy never allows. From there, define what partnership actually means and start having the conversations that feel uncomfortable. I add that most relationships do not fail because of one big thing - they fail because of death by a thousand paper cuts, all the small moments where nothing was said.

WHAT PARTNERSHIP ACTUALLY MEANS

Jen defines partnership as clear consistent communication where both people feel safe to say the hard thing. The confidence to do that comes from taking care of yourself - and when women stop, they lose their voice along with everything else. I add that children are watching how partnership is modeled in real time, and that the micro moments of two people showing up for each other are teaching children what love actually looks like in practice.

THE COULD VERSUS SHOULD REFRAME

I introduce a simple framework: could I do this versus should I do this. Could I handle everything alone? Yes. Should I, if it means running on empty with nothing left for anyone including myself? No. Jen reinforces that there is no award for doing it all alone and that a little done with help is worth far more than everything done in a state of burnout.

CLOSING

Jen closes by reminding listeners that no matter the situation - the foundation is always the same. Take care of yourself. Communicate honestly. Stop waiting for the perfect moment to start. I wrap with a reminder to leave a review and send fan mail with topic suggestions for future episodes.